Go Ahead...Laugh it Up

Whenever something comical happens to someone in my gaggle, it is only natural that a light bulb goes off above my head and all of a sudden #boom, blog topic starts flashing in large neon letters.  However, since I am not one to single out my besties, their stories often become intertwined with my personal experiences and those experiences I hear from other people that I meet.  This week’s topic is of course no different.

After spending thirty minutes on the phone and listening to a hysterical story about a late night drunken sexcapade, I got to thinking about all the funny and somewhat embarrassing stories that are floating around my head.  I guarantee that everyone out there reading this has at least one, if not several, in their sexual experience file.

Was That A……..Queef

Is it possible to hear this word and not immediately break out into a belly busting laughter?  I think not.  Even though it happens all the time during sex, every time it does women are instantly mortified.  The funniest account I can recall hearing about was a girl I know who was the lucky recipient of some downright awesome oral pleasure.  Right at the brink of climax and overwhelming sense of relaxation took over her and poof..queef right in her boyfriend mouth.  Definitely one of those roll over and cover your head with the pillow moments.  Luckily he wasn’t grossed out but it was weeks before she would let him perform any acts like that on her.

You’re Hired

I don’t know about you but I welcome compliments on being good at certain sexual acts.  Who doesn’t love a little ego boost now and then.  While a high five is nice, the timing of said compliments or gestures definitely makes a difference.  In the mist of engaging in oral sex with a partner it is encouraging to hear one syllable words and sounds of pleasure coming from the recipient.  Conversely, on one such occasion something slipped out that not only ruined any semblance of concentration but halted the act completely.  “You’re hired!”   Uncontrollable laughter which included snorting, choking and trying to catch breath turned an almost pleasurable release into a wilted flower.  There is a lesson here folks – only one mouth should be open at a time….hint hint it’s not the recipient’s ;)

Parental Advisory – Caught in the Act

Let’s all flash back to 1996 shall we.  Ah high school romance.  Squeezing in sex as much as possible when the parents weren’t home or they were busy and left you alone with your BF/GF.  On one beautiful summer day a friend of mine decided to have some people over to go swimming.  One of the people in attendance was her boyfriend at the time.  As the day went on a few of us decided to run out and get some lunch.  When we returned we were greeted by her irate father.  He turned us away without even being able to speak to our friend.  Well we just figured that she was in trouble for having people in the house without permission…boy were we wrong.  Come to find out everyone ended up exiting the premise, leaving her and her boyfriend alone.  So they decided to take a little trip into the laundry room and get down to business.  While situated in doggie style position and in mid stroke, in walks her father home early from work.  Both of them just froze not knowing how to react.  Her father simply told her to get dressed and asked her boyfriend to leave.  Already mortified that she was caught, her father stood there while she got dressed which only added to her embarrassment.

Queen = Question – The point is NOT to answer

Although this story is one from the high school vaults as well, it is a classic that never gets old.  At a party one time a large group of us were engaged in a game of kings.  The queen was pulled which triggered questions to start going around the circle.  A girl was sitting next to her boyfriend at the time a question was posted to her.  What was the question you ask “have you ever had an orgasm?”  She promptly turns to her boyfriend sitting next to her and instead of asking him a question she responds “NO!” directly to his face.  The entire circle bursts into laughter as he turned redder than a tomato.  She kept repeating that it wasn’t true and it just slipped out…but the damage was done.  As you can see it is fifteen years later and I still remember it like it was yesterday. 

Stuck…Stuck….Stuck

Alcohol has a tendency to lower inhibitions, increase chances of making stupid decisions and flat out forgetting an evening’s events.  We all have been there before.  You live, you learn and you try not to repeat the same mistakes.  However, when something funny happens not only once but twice, it is only a must that the incident gets put into story form. 

We are all adults here and understand the workings of the female reproductive system (I would hope).  Once a month we lucky ladies get a visit from our favorite aunt.  So we are unfortunately required to use tampons to keep her flow restricted.  Well my ladies, have you ever come home drunk and just passed out forgetting to change the one you were wearing?  It happens, we have all been guilty.  But, have you ever come home drunk with a dude and got down to business and the next morning couldn’t remember if you took it out or not?  Ah stumped you on that one.  However, this particular incident has happened to someone I know not only once…but twice.  She was so convinced both times that she didn’t take it out that she had to visit urgent care so that I doctor could try and find it.  Both times there was nothing there….the only thing that the doctor was able to remove was all of her poise and dignity.  She took it all in stride and even joked that the only thing there was apparently a pack of bubblegum and some cheese crackers. LOL

Gross…But Hysterical

There are two types of bodily functions that should not escape during sex (unless you have some gross fetish that I for one do not condone), and that is feces and urine.  Personally I have fortunate never to have experienced an incident with either one.

Guys, I don’t claim to know exactly what you are thinking about 24-7, (if I did I wouldn’t be single and I would probably be rich) however, I do know that sex pops into your brains a whole lot.  There is most certainly nothing wrong with that.  Sex comes up in conversation with my guy friends as much as with my lady friends. However, the guys like to bring up the topic of anal sex a little too often for my liking.  A lot of the guys I know get really excited when they find out that a lady they are talking to is a fan.  For some reason they think it’s awesome to let me know how lucky they are.  One of my favorite such sex stories involves a friends husband who had a funny incident happen to him years before they got married.  He met a girl out at a bar and she wanted to go home with him.  High five for him!  When they got back to his house she told him how much she enjoyed anal sex.  Score!  So there they are getting it and he is a very happy campier, when all of a sudden…doo doo brown.  ( I warned you it was gross)  So this guy kicks her out of the house and throws his comforter outside into the yard.  His roommate came home, saw it and thought he had an accident.  When the real story came out both of them had a good laugh at her expense.

Drunken Potty Mouth

All I have to say about this one is, guilty!  I am usually pretty vocal in the bedroom.  I am not one for laying there and keeping it quiet.  Hell I never shut up any other time so why would sexy time be any different.  I will admit that I tend to talk a little dirty and occasionally say things that a lady wouldn’t normally vocalize.

On one such occasion I said something that intensified the moment but also brought up an awkward chuckle in the am from my boyfriend.  Now if you know me, you know that I am not one to be embarrassed ever.  So since it got a chuckle from him I had to tell my friends what I said to get an all out rolling on the floor response.  One friend almost took a tumble off the treadmill which made for an even bigger laugh.  I know you are asking yourself what could possibly be so funny.  His words were “I love this pu**y”…my response “if you love it, then beat it up”.  Who the hell says that…oh wait apparently I do.  It didn’t become funny until the morning when I conveniently forgot what words came out of my mouth and he politely reminded me.  There goes my mouth getting me in trouble again.

Lesson of the week…no it isn’t don’t tell mama any funny sex stories…it’s if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at.  Until next time…..may the queef be with youJ