Thanksgiving eve I was out to dinner with a group of my nearest and dearest friends. As always we laugh, joke and tell stories at the table. A favorite thing to do amongst our group is to quote TV shows and movies. So here we are sitting at Roy’s Hawaiian Fusion restaurant with dim lights, soft music and quiet atmosphere when out of the blue someone starts talking about The Vinegar Stroke. The entire table erupts and just like that all semblance of couth and appropriate conversation at a nice restaurant goes out the window. It was even funnier that at that exact moment our waiter walked by and heard everything. You could see his face turn red, it was classic.
What is The Vinegar Stroke you ask? Well explained in layman’s terms, it is the face a man makes while having sex and getting ready to climax. AKA….your Sex Face. Why vinegar? Well open a bottle, smell it and see what happensJ Your face tends to contort in ways that you never thought possible and each time you never know what it is going to look like.
Well needless to say, this conversation got me thinking about all of the faces and sounds a guy makes while having sex. Over the years I have seen and heard some hysterical ones.
1. Demon Eyes
I am going to go out on a limb and say that I have NEVER seen anything like this one before…and once was enough. This dudes eyes rolled back in his head and you could only see white. I didn’t know if he was excited or getting ready to turn into a werewolf. Of course at that point all concentration is out the window. I didn’t know if I should be freaked out or amused. I went with the later. All I could think about was David Cross (Dwight) in Scary Movie 2 when Kathleen Robertson (Theo) takes his glass off and his eyes start rolling around.
2. The One Word Repeater
Everyone has had one of these. This is the guy that can’t seem to manage any semblance of sex talk besides “yeah”, “yeah”, “oh”, “oh”, “yeah”, “yeah”. Come on guys; is this really a motivational tool for us ladies? I am going to have to say no. We need a little more. If you are into it then tell us. Expand your vocabulary beyond one syllable words every once in a while. It not only makes things more exciting but it shows us that you are able to communicate beyond the kindergarten level.
3. The Lip Biter
If only constantly repeating one word over and over again isn’t bad enough, let’s talk about the guys who say nothing, all they do is lay there and bite their lip. Eyes open or closed, this guy is biting down so hard I am at the ready for him just to bite right through. You can’t help but watch. It’s like a horror movie that you know what is coming, and you know it isn’t going to be pretty, but you can’t look away. Luckily (knock on wood), I have never had a bloody lip massacre that resulted in a trip to the hospital for stitches.
4. The Panting Dog
Here you are, engaged in the act, bodies entwined, hot and bothered, glistening with sweat. You look at him expecting to see him looking into your eyes with passion and all you see is his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth like an excited puppy. His breath is rapid and labored. All you can think at this point is “dude if you bark, I am out of here”.
5. The Grunter
I guess that some guys have that caveman blood still coursing through their veins. Before words, there were only sounds. Back in the day before dinner, wine and a movie before sex, there was only hair pulling and clubbing over the head. This was considered your dose of foreplay and romance before you consummated the “partnership”. Grunt once for yes, grunt twice for no, grunt thrice for “OMG this is the best sex I have ever had”. Who knew that a grunt could mean so much?
6. The Startled Rabbit
In general a Startled Rabbit is happy with the situation currently occurring, but looks temporarily startled or frightened. His eyes keep intensifying while his eyebrows lift up and down. His eyes never close, they just look glossy.
7. The Deer in the Headlights
Imagine standing on a dark road, minding your own business, just chilling, when a crazy manic female comes barreling at you ready to attack. What do you do? You freeze, you have no expression. Your eyes are open wide, you mouth is closed or barely agape and you have lost the ability to control your body or thoughts. You literally are a deer in headlights.
8. The Screamer
Yes ladies not only does he look like the classic painting by Edvard Munch, but he belts out a loud scream to go with the face. You almost want to yell “WTF I do have neighbors”.
9. The Classic “O” Face
All I have to save is picture Seann William Scott in Road Trip when he is giving sperm. Classic!!!
10. The Singer
Ah, this brings me to my favorite. Have you ever made a guy feel so good that he hits the high notes? I will tell you that there is nothing funnier than a guy belting out an operatic soprano note while he is in the middle of his orgasm….just hope that he is on pitch and there are no glasses around to break.
It is natural for guys to make weird faces and noises during sex. It is all part of the experience. Some of the above are always so funny though that you can’t help but laugh and break concentration. Best thing to do is close your eyes, bit your lip and think of anything that isn’t funnyJ
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