The Business of Ex’s

Over the years I have accumulated a number of ex’s.  Most were short affairs that didn’t amount to much because either I was not really into it or they were way too into it too early and that turned me off.  For one reason or another they ended.    

I have had four, what I would call serious relationships.  These are the relationships that lasted more than just a few months.  See highlights below:

1.       Shaun – My first (real) love.  Together for four years. Started dating in high school and broke up our junior year of college while still living together.  You can only imagine the months of hostility and turmoil still being under the same roof.

2.       Michael – Had known him for years, actually dated his best friend for a little while in high school.  We fell in love quickly and got married after only being together for four months (yes peanut gallery, I know that is WAY too fast and I must have been crazy).  We both had growing up still to be done so when we started growing apart so did our marriage.  So after four years of marriage, we split.

3.       Chris – Repeat after me “Train wreck”!!!!!!!  Doomed from the start.  Even though we had the exact same personality and had a great time together, we definitely we not meant to be.  I live my life with goals and rules that I follow.  I have morals and a good character…he however, did not.   Three years wasted here.  Good thing I had the sound mind to not marry him in the end.

4.       Bryan – this was the shortest of my serious relationship.  We lasted eight months.  We met online and our relationship blossomed quickly.  We were in love in a matter of weeks.  It didn’t scare me at all.  With everyone else I ran away but I stayed to see what would happen. 

Every relationship I have ever had was ended by my hand, except the last one.  Bryan was actually the only person to ever break up with me. 

**NOTE** When I say “ever” I’m referring only to the years in which I starting actually “dating” (16 and up).   I am of course not counting middle school when you and a guy were “going out”. 

I was in love with each one of them; however, I always felt that there was something missing.  I was happy at times but not all the time.  That was until I was with Bryan.  We had an instant connection.  Date number one, it was there.  Within weeks we were both in love.  We didn’t fight, we may have argued once or twice, but nothing major.  We had fun together.  We enjoyed each other’s company.  Most of all, we had a crazy passionate connection that I have NEVER had with anyone else before.  But unfortunately, it ended by his hand and not mineL.  I wasn’t ready for it to end.

So what do you do when a relationship ends that you don’t feel should?  What do you do when you are the happiest you have ever been and you have to give that up?  How do you deal?  How do you cope?  How do you move past it?  How do you tell your heart that it can’t hurt anymore?  Your head tells you that it is over and you have to move on, but how to do make your heart match?  What do you do when EVERYTHING reminds you of that person?  A song (or every song you hear), a place, a picture a TV show?

These are all questions that I have asked myself over the last few months.  No one in my life had ever filled me with so much fire and passion before.  I think that the worst part of it is that when a relationship like this ends you don’t know what to do with yourself.  Cry, get angry, laugh about fun times…it all jumbles together and looks like a three year olds finger painting.

I took the same approach this time as I have in the past to get over it.  I jumped right back into the saddle and started dating again.  I have been meeting as many guys as possible and putting myself out there.  This has always worked before and helped me to easily get over my other fellas.  This time, it’s not working.  Now that I have had that instant connection, I am looking for it again.  I won’t settle for anything less.  So far, no luck.  I have met a lot of nice people.  But I look at them and think, “Nope, it’s not there”.  I don’t even have the energy to give them a chance. 

I hear story after story from friends that have been in this same boat.  They ask me the same questions that I have asked myself.  They tell me that they don’t understand and they just want back what they had. 

Well honestly ladies (and gentleman) I don’t think that is what is best for your heart ache.  Sorry, but truth be told….It ended for a reason!  It ended because you really weren’t meant to be as much as you thought you were.  I know it sucks to hear but repeat it out loud like I do. 

Who knows, maybe I will never truly get over Bryan like I have with everyone else.   But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.  At least I can look back at my life and know that I had what I (thought I) was looking for, at least for a brief second, and I got to know what it feels like to be truly happy. 

The only sad part right now is that I don’t know if I will ever find it again.  It’s a scary thought that I may spend the rest of my life searching for it.  Unfortunately such is life.  As with everything bad that happens to me I can’t help but quote my late Aunt Sharon, “It is what it is”!!! 

However, I put a smile on my face and learn to fake it until I make it throughJ  No matter what, I always remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…and last time I check I still had a pulse.

*FYI – not a pity post, just getting if off my chest and out in the open.  I know that eventually someone will realize that I am AMAZING and sweep my off my feet…I just hope that they hurry up because mama isn’t getting any younger…..