Location/Setting – Walking Down the Street in Federal Hill on a Saturday night
Random dude: “Excuse me. Are you accepting applications”?
Me: “I’m sorry, can I help you”?
Random dude: “No, I’m sorry the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. They said that you were worth applying for”.
Needless to say this little incident above got me thinking about all of the horrible pickup lines that my friends and I have heard over the years. Let’s explore some of mama’s favorites, shall we???
1. “ OMG I would be so into you if I wasn’t gay”
2. “I am sorry, it ain’t me, it’s my phone that’s been crying since morning to say hello to ya”
3. “Hey, tune into channel 13…I am live on TV. Right on top of the 18th story of the Leg Mason building downtown. If you don’t come and say ’you will marry me’, I am gonna jump”
4. “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh”? (me) I don’t know, how much? “Enough to break the ice, hi my name is (insert name here)”.
5. “Damn baby, you got all the curves and I ain’t got no breaks”
6. “OMG your boobs are huge”
7. “So what’s the game plan? Shall I come over and start the revolution”
8. “If I followed you home, would you keep me”
9. “My buddy and I had a bet that I wouldn’t walk over here and say hello”. (me) “Hi, what do you win”? “I’m not sure…I didn’t think it would work”
10. “There is no way that you could possibly be single. I wouldn’t mind helping you commit infidelity”.
My favorite pick up attempt comes in the form of a story with a “prop”. I have to share because I was laughing so hard I think I almost peed my pants. In fact, I am laughing right now thinking about it.
During the summer months (only because there is no football), friends and I like to gather for Sunday brunch at a local restaurant in Baltimore. The price is awesome for the food you get and of course for the bottomless mimosas or Bloody Mary’s that come with it. This one particular day, I was there with one friend. She and I decided that after brunch we wanted to bounce around downtown and continue having some drinks and socializing. Why not, we have nothing to do. It was a rainy Sunday so I was game. We decide that our destination will be Canton for the day. Why, just for something different.
We walk into the first bar and immediately all eyes are on us. Guys, this is the middle of the day. You don’t have to act like you have never seen two females walk into a bar to have a beer at 2 pm. She and I pull up two empty bar stools and order a round. We strike up a conversation with the couple sitting next to us. All the while we are scoping out the establishment for any quality fellas to make eye contact with. There were a few prospects in the mix, so we felt that we had made the right location choice. That was until I had a tap on my shoulder.
I turn my head to find a guy standing behind me holding a baby (aka the “prop” I mentioned above). My first thought “dude, you have a baby…in a bar…WTF”. My second thought was “dude, YOU HAVE A BABY IN A BAR”.
However, I held my tongue and waited for him to speak. The next string of words that came out of his mouth left me speechless and probably looking like a deer in headlights. “Excuse me” he says. “I found this baby on my doorstep. He really needs a mom. Would you like the job?” As I start cracking up laughing, my friend turns away and buries her head in her pilsner. He then says “you have the perfect breasts; they look like they can keep him fed well. Would you mind if I touched them to see if you qualify”.
So in trying to maintain composure, I say in return “Awe he is adorable. How old”? This dude actually looks at the baby, looks at me and says “Ahhhh…four years...maybe”. Now being a mom, it is easy for me to guess the approximate age of children. Just looking at this child is clearly evident that he is around six months old or so. Apparently this baby (in a bar) does not even belong to this gentleman (I use that term loosely).
I look over in the corner to see a table of people staring over in our direction. I see a stroller sitting next to a couple as they look onward with massive grins. It’s evident that these are the child’s parents. What is not so clear to me is why they would let their child be used in their friend’s pathetic pursuits to pick up a chick. The only thing that I can think is that they were reveling in his failure as much as we were.
This was just about the funniest situation I have ever experienced. My friend and I left the bar after he walked away and tried to come back without the baby. I just couldn’t even look at him. I am sure that his friends had a field day after we departed. I only wish that I could have remained as a fly on the wall.
Guys, us ladies are not looking for some cheesy pick up line. Don’t expect us to swoon over some of these things above. Most of us are looking for someone to walk up to us to just say hello, be polite and have some class. I get that sometimes you guys are shy or have a fear of rejection. However, most of you that use these lines just come off as crude, rude or extremely dim-witted. They don’t shed any good light on you no matter how cool YOU think they sound.
All I can suggest is letting your guard down, at least just a little bit. If you can say something intelligent enough to spark up a conversation then you have a foot in the door. It is up to you to keep it going.
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