Go Ahead...Laugh it Up

Whenever something comical happens to someone in my gaggle, it is only natural that a light bulb goes off above my head and all of a sudden #boom, blog topic starts flashing in large neon letters.  However, since I am not one to single out my besties, their stories often become intertwined with my personal experiences and those experiences I hear from other people that I meet.  This week’s topic is of course no different.

After spending thirty minutes on the phone and listening to a hysterical story about a late night drunken sexcapade, I got to thinking about all the funny and somewhat embarrassing stories that are floating around my head.  I guarantee that everyone out there reading this has at least one, if not several, in their sexual experience file.

Was That A……..Queef

Is it possible to hear this word and not immediately break out into a belly busting laughter?  I think not.  Even though it happens all the time during sex, every time it does women are instantly mortified.  The funniest account I can recall hearing about was a girl I know who was the lucky recipient of some downright awesome oral pleasure.  Right at the brink of climax and overwhelming sense of relaxation took over her and poof..queef right in her boyfriend mouth.  Definitely one of those roll over and cover your head with the pillow moments.  Luckily he wasn’t grossed out but it was weeks before she would let him perform any acts like that on her.

You’re Hired

I don’t know about you but I welcome compliments on being good at certain sexual acts.  Who doesn’t love a little ego boost now and then.  While a high five is nice, the timing of said compliments or gestures definitely makes a difference.  In the mist of engaging in oral sex with a partner it is encouraging to hear one syllable words and sounds of pleasure coming from the recipient.  Conversely, on one such occasion something slipped out that not only ruined any semblance of concentration but halted the act completely.  “You’re hired!”   Uncontrollable laughter which included snorting, choking and trying to catch breath turned an almost pleasurable release into a wilted flower.  There is a lesson here folks – only one mouth should be open at a time….hint hint it’s not the recipient’s ;)

Parental Advisory – Caught in the Act

Let’s all flash back to 1996 shall we.  Ah high school romance.  Squeezing in sex as much as possible when the parents weren’t home or they were busy and left you alone with your BF/GF.  On one beautiful summer day a friend of mine decided to have some people over to go swimming.  One of the people in attendance was her boyfriend at the time.  As the day went on a few of us decided to run out and get some lunch.  When we returned we were greeted by her irate father.  He turned us away without even being able to speak to our friend.  Well we just figured that she was in trouble for having people in the house without permission…boy were we wrong.  Come to find out everyone ended up exiting the premise, leaving her and her boyfriend alone.  So they decided to take a little trip into the laundry room and get down to business.  While situated in doggie style position and in mid stroke, in walks her father home early from work.  Both of them just froze not knowing how to react.  Her father simply told her to get dressed and asked her boyfriend to leave.  Already mortified that she was caught, her father stood there while she got dressed which only added to her embarrassment.

Queen = Question – The point is NOT to answer

Although this story is one from the high school vaults as well, it is a classic that never gets old.  At a party one time a large group of us were engaged in a game of kings.  The queen was pulled which triggered questions to start going around the circle.  A girl was sitting next to her boyfriend at the time a question was posted to her.  What was the question you ask “have you ever had an orgasm?”  She promptly turns to her boyfriend sitting next to her and instead of asking him a question she responds “NO!” directly to his face.  The entire circle bursts into laughter as he turned redder than a tomato.  She kept repeating that it wasn’t true and it just slipped out…but the damage was done.  As you can see it is fifteen years later and I still remember it like it was yesterday. 

Stuck…Stuck….Stuck

Alcohol has a tendency to lower inhibitions, increase chances of making stupid decisions and flat out forgetting an evening’s events.  We all have been there before.  You live, you learn and you try not to repeat the same mistakes.  However, when something funny happens not only once but twice, it is only a must that the incident gets put into story form. 

We are all adults here and understand the workings of the female reproductive system (I would hope).  Once a month we lucky ladies get a visit from our favorite aunt.  So we are unfortunately required to use tampons to keep her flow restricted.  Well my ladies, have you ever come home drunk and just passed out forgetting to change the one you were wearing?  It happens, we have all been guilty.  But, have you ever come home drunk with a dude and got down to business and the next morning couldn’t remember if you took it out or not?  Ah stumped you on that one.  However, this particular incident has happened to someone I know not only once…but twice.  She was so convinced both times that she didn’t take it out that she had to visit urgent care so that I doctor could try and find it.  Both times there was nothing there….the only thing that the doctor was able to remove was all of her poise and dignity.  She took it all in stride and even joked that the only thing there was apparently a pack of bubblegum and some cheese crackers. LOL

Gross…But Hysterical

There are two types of bodily functions that should not escape during sex (unless you have some gross fetish that I for one do not condone), and that is feces and urine.  Personally I have fortunate never to have experienced an incident with either one.

Guys, I don’t claim to know exactly what you are thinking about 24-7, (if I did I wouldn’t be single and I would probably be rich) however, I do know that sex pops into your brains a whole lot.  There is most certainly nothing wrong with that.  Sex comes up in conversation with my guy friends as much as with my lady friends. However, the guys like to bring up the topic of anal sex a little too often for my liking.  A lot of the guys I know get really excited when they find out that a lady they are talking to is a fan.  For some reason they think it’s awesome to let me know how lucky they are.  One of my favorite such sex stories involves a friends husband who had a funny incident happen to him years before they got married.  He met a girl out at a bar and she wanted to go home with him.  High five for him!  When they got back to his house she told him how much she enjoyed anal sex.  Score!  So there they are getting it and he is a very happy campier, when all of a sudden…doo doo brown.  ( I warned you it was gross)  So this guy kicks her out of the house and throws his comforter outside into the yard.  His roommate came home, saw it and thought he had an accident.  When the real story came out both of them had a good laugh at her expense.

Drunken Potty Mouth

All I have to say about this one is, guilty!  I am usually pretty vocal in the bedroom.  I am not one for laying there and keeping it quiet.  Hell I never shut up any other time so why would sexy time be any different.  I will admit that I tend to talk a little dirty and occasionally say things that a lady wouldn’t normally vocalize.

On one such occasion I said something that intensified the moment but also brought up an awkward chuckle in the am from my boyfriend.  Now if you know me, you know that I am not one to be embarrassed ever.  So since it got a chuckle from him I had to tell my friends what I said to get an all out rolling on the floor response.  One friend almost took a tumble off the treadmill which made for an even bigger laugh.  I know you are asking yourself what could possibly be so funny.  His words were “I love this pu**y”…my response “if you love it, then beat it up”.  Who the hell says that…oh wait apparently I do.  It didn’t become funny until the morning when I conveniently forgot what words came out of my mouth and he politely reminded me.  There goes my mouth getting me in trouble again.

Lesson of the week…no it isn’t don’t tell mama any funny sex stories…it’s if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at.  Until next time…..may the queef be with youJ

SAVE THE PLANET 2011 – ONE SMALL GESTURE AT A TIME

Finally my finger is out of the splint and I am able to type at a normal speed again without missing every other letter in a word.  Yay!!  You never know how much you need your middle finger until you don’t have use of it.  Well, you have use of it in a fun way to always be giving people the bird, but not in a productive way, if you know what I mean.  It’s been a few weeks since my last blog because of this little football injury, so I am glad to be back to writing once again. 

Well ladies and gents today is Earth Day so today to me is the perfect day to get back on the blogging horse.  If there is any topic to people like to get on a soap box about it is the environment. I am certainly no different.

Many of us ask ourselves all the time “what can I do to help save the planet”.  Well the answer is simple.  Little things add up.  So if you we all do our best to change some small things, then we all contribute to the big picture.

1.       Conserve power

It’s a bit chilly here in Maryland this morning so I know a lot of you are reaching for the thermostat to turn up the heat.  Wrong!!!  There is no need to crank that heat up to 68 degrees.  The best way to stay warm on a cold do is with body heat.  Grab a partner and warm it up.  Not only will you stay nice and toasty but you will be helping to keep energy cost and consumption down.  I don’t need to even mention the other added bonus’, you can use your imagination.

2.       Plant a seed

No I am not talking about getting pregnant.  If you are looking for a cool date idea, then look no further than http://dc.about.com/od/specialevents/a/EarthDay.htm.  Find an event, plan a date and go make a spark.  In the process of growing a relationship you will also be helping to grow awareness, beautify the plant and continue life for future generations.

3.       Recycling

Cans, plastic bottles, paper, metal, cell phones, cardboard, rubber, electronics and many more things can all be recycled.  How about on this Earth Day my single friends consider recycling old partners.  I know that ex’s are ex’s for a reason (I live by that phrase) but if that reason wasn’t because they were terrible in bed, then why not recycle a little booty instead of being out and about trying to find some strange.  Just a suggestion to keep those numbers down and prevent the next day regret when you wake up and find that instead of a name you have “brown hair/blue shirt/J name” in your phone.

4.        Go on a hike

Are you looking for a romantic date idea that gets you out and about to be one with nature?  Well there is nothing better than hitting the trail for some fun exercise with a partner.  Find a local trail that is a semi secluded.  You will be alone in the beauty of Mother Nature. Who knows what you will discover and what fun you could have (hint hint).  Just make sure that if you find a spot to explore the earth that you look first and make sure that you aren’t rolling around in poison ivy.  No one likes itchy private parts, nor does the scratching in those areas look attractive.

5.       Water Conservation

As I child I learned early to not leave the water running when I was brushing my teeth; to take short showers and to make sure that the hose was not leaking after it was used.  This was ingrained in me while in elementary school.  As I got older I learned that not everyone follows these rules.  I have lived with my fair share of people over the years and I have found that one way to cut down on water consumption is to shower together.  I don’t mean you should go hop in the shower right now with your roommate, which may be a little odd if you aren’t sleeping together (but if you are, why the hell not).  Shower time with your partner not only conserves water but can be both productive and seductive at the same time.  Remember suds = sexy!!!

6.       Cut down on your carbon footprint

The less trash you personally produce, the less trash ends up congestion our landfills. Today is Friday.  This is the last day of the work week for many of us (unless you are lucky to be off work today like meJ).  Around five (beer) o’clock today, a large majority of us will pile into local bars to partake in that wonderful end of the work week tradition known as happy hour.  Ah I do love a good happy hour special.  I ask that on today of all days, you skip the bottles (unless your bar has recycle bins placed strategically around, which I doubt) and opt for the bottomless cup.  Not only are you getting a great deal, lowering your inhibitions for the evening and the weekend to come, but you are reducing the waste.  Who knows if your inhibitions lower enough you could not only be doing this small thing but later in the night you could have find a partner to go home with you and accomplish number 1 and 5 as well.

7.       Skip the wasteful restaurant and cook at home together

I have said over and over that there is nothing more romantic than making a meal together in the kitchen with your partner.  Today is no different however; to make it fit the Earth Day theme, make it a challenge.  Plan ahead your meal and try to keep the food waste to a minimum.  Plan a menu that will allow you to use food parts that you would normally throw away in other parts of the meal or in future dishes.  Trust me it is a win win.  You two will be talking, working together and having fun, making a great mean and cutting down on food waste.  How great is that!!!

8.       Buy CFL’s

I am sure that most of you think that I am referring to Compact Florescent Light Bulbs.  In my everyday life you would be correct (since I work in lighting), however, today I am writing as Mama and not a Customer Service Rep for Sunter Lighting.  In Mama’s world, CFL’s stand for Condoms Fortification Limiting Sperm – AKA preventing reproduction.   The world is overrun with people consuming precious recourses.  If you aren’t ready to add another spawn into the masses…..WRAP IT UP!!!! **Side note** I know that one thing that we can do for the environment is to reuse items…a condom is not one of those things on the list.

9.        Get Active

Any kind of physical activity is good for our bodies, but it is also good for environment.  Has everyone watched Wall-E?  The fatter we get, the lazier we get, the more food we need and the more dependent on products we become.  It’s a vicious cycle that can be halted by increasing our activity level.  I am not suggesting any specific activities, but I live by the motto…JUST DO IT!

10.     Go Naked

Yes, in this one I do mean take it all off and don’t wear any clothes – if you aren’t going anywhere that is.  Less laundry equals less water consumption, energy consumption, resource reduction (detergent/dryer sheets) and noise reduction (if you have an old machine).  Why not bear it all.  Now you have to work today, or plan on doing anything outside, you obviously can’t participate in this suggestion until later.

 

However, you can do some other “Go Naked” things.  In this case I am not speaking literally, but figuratively. Why not try shedding modern conveniences and get back to basics. Skip the car and walk.  Cars produce air pollution and guzzle down our gas supply. If you live too far away to walk to your destination, grab a bike or carpool. Combine all your daily errands into one trip.  Remember that every little gesture helps!!

We only have one Earth (unless you watch the SiFi channel like me and you really do hope that there is an Earth 2 out there lol), so do you part!  I know I will do my best to follow these 10 suggestions today.  I can almost guarantee that 90% of them will occur by day’s end…and that will make for one happy Mama J

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, Why Don't We Do It.....Let's Fall In Love

It may not be official yet, but spring has sprung.  Warmer temperatures and more sunshine not only bring blooming flowers and flip flops but bring an increased happiness among most people.  Winter depression and gloom goes out the door and in comes a happier outlook on life; an increase in energy; and for some, the birth of new love. 

I know that it seems like a myth and a cliché to say that when flowers bloom, love blooms.  However, it there is now scientific proof that just that fact.  During the winter, our bodies get less sunshine which brings about an increase in melatonin.  What is melatonin you ask?  It is a naturally occurring chemical compound in our bodies that regulates our daily cycle.  It is also known as the” hormone of darkness”, since it causes us to feel drowsy, have a general lack of energy and keeps us in a ho-hum mood aka “winter funk” .

The warmer the weather gets, the more sunshine we see, the more the melatonin production in our bodies decreases.  This decrease causes an increase in energy and brings about an almost instant mood swing in the upbeat direction.

So what does all of this mean and how does it make a relationship bloom? 

1.        Positive mood changes make you more approachable

Let’s face it folks, when you are in a bad mood and showing a negative attitude do you actually think that makes someone of the opposite sex attracted to you?  That’s a negative ghost rider.  Someone may find you attractive, but if they feel the “cold” they aren’t even going to attempt to make a connection.  Being happy immediately puts a smile on your face.  It’s always a good thing to remember that a great smile is contagious.  You smile, he smiles, the next thing you know you are laughing, giggling and on your way to a date. 

2.       Warm weather allows us to shed layers of clothing and bare little skin

Hello sexy!  Who doesn’t love to see a little skin?  Bare shoulders, sexy legs and toned biceps.  Yes please!  Male or female, bare skin is a turn-on that makes you instantly think of sex.  It might be subconsciously or might be a large neon flashing sign in your brain.  Either way, this drives us to seek out a partner.   You might not realize it, but showing a little bit of skin not only attracts members of the opposite sex, but makes it easier to flirt and aids in reading sexual cues.  Sounds like a win win situation for all parties involved!    

3.       Winter is too dark to start something new

Over and over again, every year I continually hear the same story from October through January.  Friends, acquaintances and even strangers all coupled but admit that it is not exactly where they want to be.    It’s a trend and a fact that people have a tendency to hold on to a relationship, even if they aren’t really happy, just to be in a relationship for fear of being alone.  Winter is cold, dark and too lonely to want to walk away from someone that gives you that little bit of companionship.  Not to mention, those months before the New Year are filled with holidays.  No one wants to be alone during the holidays, so that becomes the main excuse to stay together.  That all changes when spring awakens our minds and bodies and tells us that it is time to make new connections.  It truly is the perfect time to make our hearts sing again and you never know just who out there will hear your tune.

4.       Birds do it, bees do it, even the flowers do it

Winter brings about a hibernation period for flora and fauna.  As humans, we don’t necessarily shut down, but we do crawl to a snail’s pace.  Everything around us starts waking up at spring time.  So why would anything think that we are the exception.  What do we do when it starts to get warm?  We plant seeds in our gardens, water those seeds and watch them grow.  Love is just another seed that needs to be planted, watered and given attention so it starts to take root. 

5.       Spring is nature’s way of saying “Let’s Party”

I don’t know about all of you, but I am always down for a good party.  I am definitely not saying that there is anything wrong with winter/Christmas/New Years dinners and gatherings but they tend to be stuffy, formal and sometimes BORING.  Nothing gets me more excited then breaking out the grill, some come beer and music and having a party outside.  All of nature is celebrating all around us so why can’t we join in on all the fun.  The smell of flowers, grass and BBQ is a great way to wake up the senses and heighten euphoria.  People are more apt to mingle and celebrate the season.  Who knows, while you gather a team to play botchy ball, your next partner may be your always and forever one.       

It’s the end of March with my birthday quickly approaching.  Today is going to be in the 70’s and I currently have on flip flops, which immediately put me in an awesome mood!  I have had a smile on my face for the past week that a sandblaster couldn’t remove; to the point that my cheeks are starting to hurt.  However, I wouldn’t trade it all in right now for anything. 

Spring is a time of birth (including my own lol) and unlimited possibilities.  After a long winters break I am finally tending to my garden and not only do I already picture it full of flowers in bloom, but I can feel the butterflies all around me.  My heart is light and open for all potential love to fill it up…and I have a really good feeling that this is spring for it to happenJ

Words To Live By

The other night I climbed into bed, plopped my laptop on my lap and started to search out for a good movie to watch.  Although I wasn’t really in the mood for a love story, I settled on watching Eat, Pray, Love.  The movie itself was so so, but I what got me more was some of the quotes that I heard.  It just so happened that the next day The Wedding Date was on and I had an epiphany about what this week’s blog should be about.

Even though movies are meant to entertain they can also serve another purpose to enlighten.  Even in some of the funniest comedies I have seen, writers manage to squeeze in a life lesson or inspirational words to live by.  I have gathered a few below.

1.       “Every woman has the exact love life that she wants” – The Wedding Date

I am inclined to agree!  My friends ask me all the time why I am single.  They tell me that I am only single because I choose to be.  They are partly correct.  There are a number of guys that I have met that I could date and enter into a relationship with.  However, none of them swept me off my feet.  I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship.  I am getting too old to just kill time with someone that isn’t right for me.  Although I always say that I hate being single, maybe deep down I don’t, and when I meet that right person I will be ready to give up the single life for them. 

2.       “ It doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other” – Good Will Hunting

I am far from perfect.  I recognize my flaws, work to keep them to a minimum, but accept that they are a part of me.  I have dated a lot of guys in the past that had many a flaw.  For the most part, I accepted them but other times those flaws clashed too much with mine and me that it didn’t work.  I think that when you find someone that you are willing to accept their shit and they are willing to accept yours that makes you perfect for each other.   Maybe it’s like garlic…the two cancel each other out.

3.       “Some things are not meant to last, they just take a place in your heart and make you smarter the next time” – Alex and Emma

This has to be one of the truest statements regarding relationships and love that I have ever heard.  People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  Not everything is meant to last.  We all hope that each time we meet someone it will be forever.  Why is that?  As a whole, we need to accept the possibility that it won’t.  Someone may come into your life just to teach you a lesson; remind you what it means to love or live; help you to understand humility; no matter what the reason, you need to take what you have learned and keep moving forward. 

4.       “Don’t let the past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become” – My Big Fat Greek Wedding

When past relationships have ended, it took me a while to realize what part I played in their demise.  My mother often says that I fall into the common denominator category.  However, I disagree.  I acknowledge my faults and mistakes but I also learn from them knowing that I will eventually find the one that will accept them as well.  What I have learned is my past failed relationship won’t dictate my future ones.  Each one is unique; the future isn’t a repeat of the past.

5.       “Sometimes losing balance for love is leading a balanced life” – Eat, Pray, Love

From an early age we are taught that we need to be educated, pursue a good career path, start a family, settle down, maintain a home, save for retirement, eat healthy, be responsible…the list goes on and on.  When we actually venture into the world, all of the above can seem like an insurmountable task.  Some people focus on the practical and forget about the emotional.  They choose a career and money over love and relationships.  I can see how they feel that they will interfere or instill a sense of unbalance.  However, this is just the opposite.  You can have a good career making lots of money, have a great house and a nice car…but without love something will always be missing.  Don’t be afraid to lose your balance a little bit when it comes to love.  That missing piece may give your life the exact balance it needs.

6.       “Hearts will be practical only when they are made unbreakable” – The Wizard of Oz

You can’t reason with your heart.  It feels what it wants, when it want.  It isn’t practical.  You can’t reason with it.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  It will be broken, sometimes over and over again.  Unfortunately we have to learn to deal with it and move forward.  Until it adapts with evolution, it is never going to be unbreakable.  It’s a fact of life that needs to be accepted.

7.       “Hate is baggage.  Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time; it’s just not worth it” – American History X

When it comes to the business of ex’s, the word hate is often thrown around frivolously.  I for one have said it repeatedly when it comes to my ex husband.  He is the bane of my existence the every present thorn in my side.  But what does hating him accomplish?  Nothing!  Hate is baggage.  Hate is unnecessary stress.  Life is too short.  Don’t bury the hate you may feel, set it free and accept the situation or the person.  Then and only then will you lose the baggage.

8.       “Love is a strong word.  And if you are going to use it, make sure that you know what it means.  Cause it hurts to hear and know that you don’t mean it” – Alone and Restless

In the teenage years, it was all too common to hear the words “I love you”.  At that age, you really don’t even know what the word “love” means but you said it because you thought it was appropriate.  The older you get the more you learn about love.  The more you should learn that you can’t just throw it around or take it lightly.  Love can be wonderful.  Hearing from that special person that they love you can be magical.  However, if it is said and isn’t meant, it can be tragic and devastating.  Lust does not equal love.  Like does not equal love.  Attraction does not equal love.  All of the combined might, but think before you speak.  Truly mean it when you say it.

9.       “Fate exists but it can only take you so far, because once you are there, it’s up to you to make it happen” – Can’t Hardly Wait

Many a philosopher has argued the existence of fate.  Is it predetermined?  Inevitable?  Can we change it or is it set in stone?  My belief is that fate comes in the form of poker dealer.  The cards are dealt to you, as a player you have the choice to bet, fold or ask for additional cards.  Your choice dictates whether you can make a full house or just end with a pair.  You do what you can to make it the best possible hand you can get.  Take what fate gives you and run with it.  Make the choices that you feel you need, to make life turn out the way you want it to.  It’s yours remember, not anyone else’s.

10.   “You will never know love unless you surrender to it” – Fools Rush In

How many of us have said at one point, “I really like him/her, but I am scared to jump into anything”.  If you don’t take the chance then you may never know what could be.  Yes, the idea of love can be a scary one, but if you don’t surrender you could just be giving up something amazing.

11.   “A heart can be broken; but it continues to beat just the same” – Fried Green Tomatoes

When a breakup occurs, by your partner’s hand, you feel not only broken but empty.  You heart hurts.  You feel as if will never heal or recover from the devastation.  The truth is that no matter what you feel, you heart has not stopped beating.  It is broken in theory but not in reality.  It continues to beat, you continue to live and life moves forward. 

12.   “Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart." – Meet Joe Black

No comment needed – words to truly live by

13.   “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.” – Milk Money

I have always loved this quote.  I wish that more guys would take note.  Think about all of the things that you think a woman wants in life to make her happy and throw them out the window.  To complete her, a woman wants nothing more than for you to touch her heart.  If you find a way in you will be there forever.  She will love you completely and whole heartedly. 

14.   “That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.” - Sixteen Candles

Every time I watch this movie, this quote stands out as one of my favorite lines.  If only my father brought forth so much wisdom.  When we date, like or crush on someone it is often hard to hear that they don’t have the same feelings that we may harbor.  These are always words that ring in my ears because they make sense.  Life is not easy, so why would we think love is.  Sometimes you win, sometimes you get crushed, but you should never stop playing the game. 

15.   “All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us.” - The Wonder Years

This is the perfect quote to end with because it sums up my 30 years so far on this world.  I have been searching from someone to love; I have changed partners multiple times all the while hoping to find someone perfect out there that is searching for me.  Although I am starting to lose my patience, so he better hurry the hell up and find me soonJ  

PDA – Yay or Nay

PDA – Yay or Nay

No matter where you go, any day or time, you will always get a dose of PDA.  We all have been there, done that and seen some sights.

So what is PDA?  Yes it is an acronym from Personal Digital Assistant, but before the digital age took over it was a term that teachers loved to yell in the hallway at young lovers engaged in saying adieu between classes.  PDA aka public display of affection is the physical demonstration of affection for another person while in the view of others.   Holding hands, hugging or kissing in public are commonly considered to be unobjectionable forms of public displays of affection; however, what is considered objectionable depends on the place and the people viewing it.

Let me preface what is to follow by first stating that I am not a PDA hater; when it is kept to a PG or even PG13 level.  When you are engaged in dating someone, it is only natural to want to show them affection. When it is new, it is hard not to want that constant contact.  Is there a line that you shouldn’t cross?  Do you feel that everything is acceptable?  Do you feel that nothing is acceptable?  Everyone is unique in their feelings on the subject.  Keep in mind that I do not judge others, I just share my thoughts.

Personally I do enjoy handholding or having an arm around me in public.  Either while walking, sitting in a movie or even sitting at dinner.  A kiss on the forehead, hand or peck on the lips is also quite acceptable.  I believe that all of these things are PG.  If I am out dancing and a little heaver kissing, touching or even grinding occurs, this takes it to the PG13 level, which I am also good with if the venue is filled with these acts.  The level completely depends on the venue!

I have been on three dates in the past two years where PDA was a major issue.  One of my “worst dates” of 2010 was with an exasperating firefighter who would not stop trying to attack me.  His acts included: inappropriate touching, grabbing, pulling, handholding and attempted mouth swallowing.   All of these things occurred in a quiet restaurant followed by a semi-empty bar.  It was not only annoying, unwelcomed and frustrating but it was embarrassing.  Needless to say he got no other chance with me. 

There was only one other time that I felt this same sense of embarrassment while on a date.  I will go ahead and blame the “B” incident on the a-a-alcohol, because even though I was mortified, I still kept him around.  After starting out as the best date I have ever had, the more he drank the more affectionate he got.  This was only our second date, so I was still a little apprehensive.  After an awesome dinner he took me to Rams Head on Stage to see a show.  If you have ever been there you know that it is a tight space.  Tables are close together and you share them with other people.  As soon as we sat down and face the stage, I felt hands all over me and a tongue and lips on my neck.  The people at the table with us were eyeballing us with a look of repulsion.  Needless to say, I felt as if EVERYONE in that room was too.  I immediately became aggravated and distant and drew away. 

Recently I went on a date with a gentleman whom I had been out with once before.  As the night went on, he started with the PDA crap.  Hand went on my leg under the table, which isn’t a deal breaker, but then he grabbed my faced and tried to make out right there in the restaurant.  I advised him that I was not a fan of PDA, but it didn’t stop him from trying all night. 

After this time around I thought it might be good to shed a little light on the subject to enlighten both my male and my female readers.  No matter what you say, everyone can always use a little further education. 

What is Acceptable/Unacceptable and Where

Act	PDA Meter	Reason
Hand-holding	PG – Acceptable	Doesn’t make people squeamish, but is intimate enough to show your partner a bit of affection.  *There is nothing cuter than an older couple walking hand and handJ
Kissing	PG – Acceptable	Within limits, kissing is totally acceptable in public.  On the cheek, peck on the lips, even a soft kiss in public is within limited.
Eating Face	R – Unacceptable	When I am out at a restaurant, bar (sober – excluding drunken nights where anything goes), or anywhere in public, I DO NOT want someone eating my face off!  Hot and heavy kissing; tongues down throats; panting; make out sessions should all be reserved for private places.
Cuddling	PG/PG 13 – Unacceptable	I am friends with a couple that can’t seem to detach from the hip.  It is cute that they are so much in love.  However, when I am at brunch enjoying lots of mimosas, the last thing I want to do is look over and see them laying on each other.  Sorry guys, just being honest.  I really want to be that person that yells out “get a room”.
Ass Smacks/Grabs	PG13 – Acceptable but vulgar	In private, ass smacks and grabs can be quite a turn on.  However, in public they can be viewed a very tacky and vulgar.  What kind of image do you want people to perceive?  It is all about what you are comfortable with.
Babying	PG – Unacceptable	How old are we?  We learn respect at a young age.  Respect for our parents, teachers, elders and friends.  I think that we are old enough to give our partners that same respect and not treat them like babies.  If they want to wear a diaper and suck a bottle at home, so be it, but keep it in the bedroom please.
Sex in Public	R – Unacceptable	This should be a given.  I don’t want to see you rockin your GF or BF out in front of me.  Thanks but no thanks.  If I want to see porn I will pop in a video.

Consequences of PDA

When romance in public becomes a little hot and heavy, you could be doing a little more than just embarrassing yourself in front of strangers.  Some view PDA engagers as exhibitionists.  In some cases, observers of PDA might go beyond turning their heads and report you to authorities.  Depending on where you are this could be security, bouncers or even police.    In other (creepy) cases, observers may focus on your display.  Unknowingly you could be helping the sexual gratification of a voyeur.   There are many sick people out in this world, do you really want them deriving sexual pleasure from watching you being “affectionate” with your partner.

I follow a simple rule of thumb.  It is best to keep your PDA limited to things that you can observe from other people without feeling the need to look away. If you don't want to see others engaging in a certain way, it's very likely that the feeling is mutual.